Back to court

So this morning was off to the court house.  I've decided that this time I'm going back to court myself, without lawyer, to finally divorce myself from both the ex-husband and son.  Although I'm already divorced I still pay support.  And word on the street is that my son is no longer going back to school this year but working full time.  This through my father, who continues also to send him money each month.

It was bittersweet walking into the courthouse this morning.  The date is set for October 5th at 11 am.  I have to send him notice in case he wants to appear with me.  On one hand I'm hoping he will only to get one ruling vs having me appear alone in front of the judge and then this ruling sent to his province and he appears before a judge who can change, overturn, amend etc. That could be a long process.  But it's long overdue.

They both have made it crystal clear that they don't want/need/care for any input from me.  I have no clue why he's not in school. Did he flunk out? Seems weird for someone with a 95 average.  I delivered the cellphone ultimatim by e mail which I've received no answer to. It will cost me $500 to break the contract but considering if I continued to pay the $75/month for the next two years, $1,800 he doesn't deserve when I can't even afford a cell for myself.  No word from him yet and I expect none. 

So boys if I'm to be out of your life, so be it. But it also works the same way. My  money is out also. No matter how lovely it has been.  I can't imagine having the money to get up and go to the movies whenever I want. Or to buy a new water tank instead of pumping it full of air every two weeks with a bicycle pump.

I know my dad will never cut off his money, no matter how much he should, so I'll be the one with the tough love and do it.

Everyone tells me, oh he'll come back, I don't understand how he can do this to you, you've only ever tried to do the best for him.  Well that boys and girls is the root of the problem in a nutshell. How does a mother deal with the simple fact that her child wants nothing to do with her. Ever.  Or hasn't for the last five years.  Loves to tell her to fuck off by being so passive/aggressive that he feels pleasure in ignoring her. In accepting her presents and telling her he loves her and then not talking to her for another year.  How? I've no clue and have yet found a way to deal with it.  Doubt I ever will.

But the latest try is going to be cutting off everything. Letting him wallow with his father in whatever mess they've made together.  I am almost curious to see how he's going to behave when he thinks I'm going to stand up to him for once. By myself, no lawyers, no cops, nothing but my crazy assed ideas and a judge.
I wonder if there's a chance in hell I'll win.  Finally, after a lifetime of being tramped on I might be my own person.  I might finally be able to figure out who I am, what I want to do and when I'm going to do it. Without having to worry about the endless drivel, criticism and taking those two bring.  Always.

And if I lose, I tried.  I can't live with myself without not trying.  It feels like I've lost every time I try so this will be the last one.  If I have to continue to pay them in someone's wisdom then so be it.  But at least I'll have tried.

And if I win God help us, the party will have to happen.  And it's long long overdue.

October 5th.  A date that starts another journey.  Hopefully ending this last one. I'm damn tired of it.