Back to court

So this morning was off to the court house.  I've decided that this time I'm going back to court myself, without lawyer, to finally divorce myself from both the ex-husband and son.  Although I'm already divorced I still pay support.  And word on the street is that my son is no longer going back to school this year but working full time.  This through my father, who continues also to send him money each month.

It was bittersweet walking into the courthouse this morning.  The date is set for October 5th at 11 am.  I have to send him notice in case he wants to appear with me.  On one hand I'm hoping he will only to get one ruling vs having me appear alone in front of the judge and then this ruling sent to his province and he appears before a judge who can change, overturn, amend etc. That could be a long process.  But it's long overdue.

They both have made it crystal clear that they don't want/need/care for any input from me.  I have no clue why he's not in school. Did he flunk out? Seems weird for someone with a 95 average.  I delivered the cellphone ultimatim by e mail which I've received no answer to. It will cost me $500 to break the contract but considering if I continued to pay the $75/month for the next two years, $1,800 he doesn't deserve when I can't even afford a cell for myself.  No word from him yet and I expect none. 

So boys if I'm to be out of your life, so be it. But it also works the same way. My  money is out also. No matter how lovely it has been.  I can't imagine having the money to get up and go to the movies whenever I want. Or to buy a new water tank instead of pumping it full of air every two weeks with a bicycle pump.

I know my dad will never cut off his money, no matter how much he should, so I'll be the one with the tough love and do it.

Everyone tells me, oh he'll come back, I don't understand how he can do this to you, you've only ever tried to do the best for him.  Well that boys and girls is the root of the problem in a nutshell. How does a mother deal with the simple fact that her child wants nothing to do with her. Ever.  Or hasn't for the last five years.  Loves to tell her to fuck off by being so passive/aggressive that he feels pleasure in ignoring her. In accepting her presents and telling her he loves her and then not talking to her for another year.  How? I've no clue and have yet found a way to deal with it.  Doubt I ever will.

But the latest try is going to be cutting off everything. Letting him wallow with his father in whatever mess they've made together.  I am almost curious to see how he's going to behave when he thinks I'm going to stand up to him for once. By myself, no lawyers, no cops, nothing but my crazy assed ideas and a judge.
I wonder if there's a chance in hell I'll win.  Finally, after a lifetime of being tramped on I might be my own person.  I might finally be able to figure out who I am, what I want to do and when I'm going to do it. Without having to worry about the endless drivel, criticism and taking those two bring.  Always.

And if I lose, I tried.  I can't live with myself without not trying.  It feels like I've lost every time I try so this will be the last one.  If I have to continue to pay them in someone's wisdom then so be it.  But at least I'll have tried.

And if I win God help us, the party will have to happen.  And it's long long overdue.

October 5th.  A date that starts another journey.  Hopefully ending this last one. I'm damn tired of it.

Knock knock

It's been awhile since I did this but I was told I needed to vomit forth the crap I hold inside. I suppose it worked before why not give it a whirl again.  Even if no one reads the drivel the act of writing it on paper is supposed to cleanse the body, or soul, or whatever is in need of purging.

So it begins again.

I really should have been born a hermit. I suppose I was in a way, being an only child. I am so damn happy with no one around me. No one, except my seven lizards and two cats. Funny how I always thought I'd be the crazy cat lady and now I'm sure the kids call me the crazy lizard lady who lives all alone at the end of the street.  Whatever.  I haven't yet taken to dressing up on Halloween and scaring the little fuckers. Although what a good idea for this year.

Today I wanted to take my asshole neighbour and put his head in a vice grip and whack it with his fucking hockey stick until his brains came out his nose.

Yes, I need to work on my anger management issues. Especially with dumb asshole men. 

I think his wife has left him for the weekend and I've no clue if any of his three kids are home but there is no need to be outside with his fucking hockey stick hitting the puck against the side of his shed until it wakes me up and continue to do so for hours on end until I really want to pound the shit out of him.  He paved his drivway this summer and instead of setting up all the sports equipment on the road as most parents do, he's got it up in his driveway which is right outside my bedroom window.  Thus the pounding of both hockey puck and basketball continuously.  I didn't know how much it sent me over the edge until today.

Of course his continual hovering over me while I'm trying to sunbathe in my pool is another reason why I'd love him to be confined to a wheelchair. I think the basketball is just an excuse to be outside and avoiding his family. Sick fuck.

/end rant for today.  Not sure that I'm completely up to snuff again it may take awhile, this was almost G-rated.